EPIC BATTLE F(U)NTASY
by komodor
Summary: This is the list of Epic Battle Fantasy series jokes. Some of them are really funny. Hope it makes you laugh, it took me a lot of time to put them all together. Rated T for some sexist jokes.
1. Brawl Royale

**EPIC BATTLE F(U)NTASY**

Autor notes: Hi this is the list of my favourite epic battle fantasy series jokes. I own none of them, they all belong to Matt Roszak. Some of them are edited. There are all of Brawl Royale, Bullet Heaven 2, Epic Battle Fantasy 1, 2, 3, 4, (5 :D ) and Mecha Dress Up jokes I found to be funny in alphabetical or chronological order. In the games not included I haven´t found anything funny though :( But they are enjoyable anyway. Check out his work, he really made a complete universe to explore. The very best ones in my opinion are highlighted. Well let´s begin.

 **Brawl Royale**

Such brutal

Amazing game song: Stratovarius – Stratosphere.

Some spears they don´t look very practical.. (swordsman talks)

Lulz.. when Tonberry the stabs matt into crotch.

Something´s missing (hearth) with a hole in Matt´s chest

Godly sword shoot swords lol.

OMG is he okay? (only his bottom part is)

Game ends with Matt splitting Earth into two halves and flying on his sword in space.

You have destroyed evil and saved the universe, consider yourself a hero!

 **THE END**


	2. Bullet Heaven 2

**Bullet Heaven 2**

1-1

Lance: Shut up NoLegs. You´re a cat. Your opinion is irrelevant

Anna: And justice was served!

Natalie crying: Haven´t we murdered enough innocent animals yet?

1-2

Your hitbox is marked by tiny dot in the middle of your character. It´s actually only one pixel! Keep it away from enemy bullets!

Anna: Time to chop them into firewood. That will do, that´s enough firewood for now.

Lance: (note to self: Napalm the woods near the kitten kingdom.)

1-3

Matt: Bushes shouldn´t be able to shoot!

Lance: **I hate normal plants, but I hate plants with attitudes even more!**

1-4

Matt: My sword hungers for greater foes. My stomach hungers for fleshier foes.

1-5

Matt: I guess I´ll be eating cat for dinner tonight! You guys can eat the horrible veggies...

Natalie: It´s okay NoLegs. They only faint when we shoot them. (That´s what I tell myself so I can sleep.)

Anna: Your cuteness will not protect you from me!

1-6

Matt: Bam! Demolished! We killed him dead.

Anna: Golems aren´t alive, ya potato! They´re just magic rocks!

Matt: A magic rock might soon hit you on the head...magically...

Anna: ...

2-1

Lance: Oooh, beach time! (I hope Natalie gets into bikini again! That was the highlight of Epic Battle Fantasy 3 for me. I didn´t even mind almost drowning!), crabs are coming. Lance: What!? (Way to interrupt my fantasy...)

Matt: My dinner wants to get inside of me! I do not object to this!

2-2

Matt: A seagull ate my cookie and pooped on me once. I will never forgive their entire species! Natalie: (Hehe, I remember that. That was quiet funny.) Matt: Death to seagulls!

2-3

Natalie: We´re going quiet deep now... Matt: (That´s what she said...? Nah, that doesn´t work. Whatever.) Natalie(under water): I can´t breathe! Matt: Don ´t worry! Thanks to the Developer, we can breathe underwater for no reason!

2-5

Lance: Explosives are always the answer. This is a true fact.

2-6

Natalie: Don´t you have enough tank yet?

Lance: I uh... have a habit of...blowing them up during my finishing moves. So I always need more.

Natalie: Maybe learn to budget your resources a bit? Or better yet, maybe don´t drop tanks on your enemies all the time?!

Lance: (Don´t drop tanks on people...? What a strange idea...)

3-3

Matt: Well that was sparkly! So many shiny things! We might be rich now! (I can´t count so I´m not sure...)

3-4

Natalie talking about shields, Matt: Sounds boring! I just want to shoot EVERYTHING!

Matt: That shield sucks. My usual stance for attacks didn´t work. Natalie: Yea, it helps to use your brain sometimes doesn´t it? Matt: **I would rather not do that though. Using my brain takes blood from my muscles, which are the only body parts that matter!**

4-2

Matt: I am safe from the cold. I´ve got a hat!

4-3

Natalie: please don´t spray bullets all over the place. Lance: But...but...I must shoot things to survive. It is my way of life...

4-4

Matt asks Natalie: Why you know everything? It´s almost as if you read walkthroughs or something...

4-5

Anna: Hey Natalie, I´m not scared either! Boys are such wimps! Lance: My dad was killed in a minecrafting accident. He just wanted those diamonds so badly...and then...BOOM!

Matt: he knew how to use swords but the greater man...golem...whatever won. (Probably The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Gimli reference)

4-6

Matt: I don´t care who built it, but I know who will un-built it! I´m referring to myself of course!

5-1

Lance: Have you ever considered wild animals are just jerks for no reason? That plants are intentionally assh*les?

Lance: Nature is literally worse than Akron. (EBF3 reference)

5-3

Matt: Don´t pretend we´re not always awesome.

6-1

Anna: We at least could spare those animals their misery. Lance: I´ll gladly rescue their souls! I´ll get my cannon ready right away! Anna: The forest is done. There is nothing but burning wasteland. Lance: (Awesome, I feel so alive, but I try to look sad for my comrades.) Wow such...A tragedy...I am...so disappointed... Natalie: Shut up, Lance!

6-3

(Maybe ignore this one) Natalie is jealous of Anna and Matt getting closer. (Gotta play to laugh that)

Anna: Hey Natalie, since you´re a bit older and more experienced than me, can I ask..ummm...What does it feel like to be...um...in love?! Natalie: How am I supposed to know? Anna: I´m just asking...because you and Matt have been...together, for a long time, and I—Natalie: We´re not together in THAT way! We travel together! He carries my stuff for me! Anna: Oh really? Whatever then. Natalie:(She knows too much. I better be carefull...)

6-5

(eye-type boss reference)Matt: He might need to have his eyes checked after that fight! I don´t think he was seeing clearly, am I right?! Lance: That´s so funny...Natalie: You should just become a comedian and leave us alone. Matt: Whatever...

7-1

The whole area is about robots, that Lance loves.

Lance: And of course, warfare is more luxurious and exciting than ever. Anna: I worry about your mental health sometimes.

Lance: Those were kill-drones! Their job is to destroy the old world so it can be rebuilt! **The landscape must first be cleared of plants, animals and political activists!** Anna: Who the hell raised you so badly?

7-2

Lance: Allow me to show you all the hidden beauty of a nuclear arms factory! Look at all of these huge pipes! Funnelling nuclear ooze into the fusion reactors! A fantastic symphony of radiation!

Matt: Yea it smells like you, Lance. No wonder you like it here.

Natalie freaks out about radiation. Lance: Relax, that's just a misconception started by climate change activists. Radiation, much like smoking cigarettes, actually has no negative impact on the human body. That is a true fact. Natalie: That´s dangerous level of stupidity right there!

Matt: Them´s fighting words! Are you gonna become a fascist again?! Lance: Fascism isn´t wrong. It´s just never been implemented correctly. I can do it right this time. I just need a chance to prove it.

7-3

Lance: I am truly in awe of this engineering masterpiece! Matt: **Try not to jizz in your pants...** Lance: Some people can just appreciate science and technology. I´m sorry that you do not possess the intellectual capacity to do so. Matt: **I like swords!**

NoLegs: Pikameow! (I almost feel awkward for typing Pokemon reference)

7-4

Natalie wants to talk. Lance: Boo! Nobody cares! I want to talk more! Let me—Natalie: Anyway bombs explode. Matt: Even I knew that Bombs explode. I am not as stupid as NoLegs looks. NoLegs: Meow! Meow meow, meow! Matt: Don´t talk back to me! (I´ll eat you...) NoLegs: Meow!

7-5

Lance: I will buy one of the new models for myself. (I might need to take out a mortgage and live in poverty...but that´s worth it!)

Matt: Hey,hey! I thought of a cool tip! It´s uh...probably not a good idea to...uh...stand right in front of its main cannon! Cause it´s a tank! Natalie: You don´t say.

Lance: I expected so much more! Natalie: Well you´ve just saved a gajillion coins! Consider yourself lucky and stop whining! Matt: Dude, get a life! You´re such a fanboy!

7-6

Matt: Rekt! Shrekt! Disrespect!

8-1

Lance: Please tell me more about how wonderful nature is, with all of its smelly and aggressive trees. Anna: They´re just trying to spread their pollen and seeds! They have no ill will towards you! Lance: **So we´re just flying trough a tree orgy then? Fantastic...**

8-3

Lance: That dead do no frighten me! But the undead...well...just remember to double tap! Matt: And if knocking their heads off doesn´t kill them? If they keep going, what then?! Lance: Hmmmm...Anna: Smash´em into a million pieces! Duh!

Lance: Undead plus bullets equals dead! Flawless plan! Bullets solve everything!

8-4

Anna: Hey Matt, did you know that there´s actually a skeleton inside of you right now?! Matt: Stop trying to scare me! That´s impossible! How would it even get in there?!

Natalie: There is a demonic portal creating in front of us. Matt: finally, an exit! I´ll take it!

8-5

Natalie: I thing we´ve passed into the undead world. Lance: does it mean I´ll be haunted by everything I´ve ever killed?! (I´d rather not see those guys again...)

8-6

Natalie: Actions have consequences! Lance: Please, don´t lecture me on ethics. I get enough of that from my victims and ex-girlfriends.

9-1

Matt: We are literally dodging raindrops! I think we are kind of hardcore!

Lance: I guess the best way to stay dry in the rain is to get good at playing bullet-hell games. Myth busted! (MythBusters reference maybe)

9-2

Anna: Wouldn´t it be cool if Epic Battle Fantasy 5 had different weather conditions?! Lance: Can routine airstrikes be a weather condition? Cause I want that one.

9-3

Matt: Could this be another one of Godcat´s temples? Lance: We´ve already defeated Godcat though. There should be statues of us instead of filthy cats!

9-6

(again eye type boss) Matt: Something´s been following us through the clouds for a while. It´s been spying on us. Keeping it´s eye on us. Lance: Your puns are lame. Eye am disappointed in you. Natalie: Guys, stop! Anna: Eye eye, captain! (spongebob squarepants reference)

10-3

Natalie: Space invaders incoming! (game reference)

10-5

Natalie: Hmmm. Since this is kind of the end of the end of the game, I should probably say: Thanks for playing Bullet Heaven 2! We hope you enjoyed it and keep playing!

10-6

Lance: What? There´s no 2nd boss in this world? Did the dev get lazy? Matt: Probably. The developer loves cutting corners, and he sais that survival levels are much easier than bosses...or something like that? Natalie: Is that why the story sucks?! **(Is my love life ever going to progress?)** Anna: I thought that the game turned out...rather good. I´m happy we´re still a team and stuff. Natalie: At least none of us were killed off. We souldn´t complain. Lance: I hope NoLegs gets killed in Epic Battle Fantasy 5. NoLegs: Meow?! Meow!

 **THE END**


	3. Epic Battle Fantasy 1

**Epic Battle Fantasy 1**

Gallery: **Lol my art has improved a bit but the style has been exactly the same for ages. How unoriginal. I also still like swords. How childish.** Hay guys I joined SS for this kewl hat.

Slimes and Trees- For that RPG feel ya know? There are no RPGs without them.

Matt: Power metal- Dragonforce: Through The Fire And Flames – amazing song if you like power metal

First game where Beholder(raping tentacle monster showed up)

Goku zombie finger machinegun. Also his death reminds me Tryndamere from League of legends, even though ebf1 was released before LoL.

Tits are bouncing (nah that´s a childish joke)

Ending (the planet sort of exploded): And so the mighty warriors sacrificed their lives and much of Earth to destroy powerful evil that was engulfing the Universe. The road to restoring the planet will be a long and painful one. Will survivors warring for the remaining resources and enduring the effects of extreme radiation exposure. However peace awaits them someday. ...

 **THE END**


	4. Epic Battle Fantasy 2

**Epic Battle Fantasy 2**

Gallery: Slime Bunny- The ghost of one of the slimes you murdered in the last game.

Easy mode – play this if you are a noob or don´t have much time.

Hard mode – play this if you are too cool for the easier modes.

Epic mode – play this if you have no life.

Seismic and gamma waves tare the earth apart. It was not an ideal victory.

An ambitious man rampages across the continent destroying all life in his way in the name of peace. (The man appeared to be Lance.)

Matt after ion cannon: Gonna not do that?

Matt ultimate attack: Pierce the heavens.

Matt: Enjoy the taste of pain?

Matt: Down already?

Matt: Out of da way! We are in hurry.

Matt: R.I.P poor cat.

Matt: Kill them with fire and AIDS!

Matt: Stole your HP punk.

Matt: BOOM HEADSHOT!

Matt: Breath smells like death.

Matt: Stop drilling her!

Matt: Are these guys running windows?

Matt: Run and hide bro.

Natz: Eek it touched me.

Nats after Kyun: Ok stop staring now.

Natz: The meatshield has failed.

Natz after using lucky star: I am feeling lucky (It´s funny because it relates to its name)

Natz (heal): **Stop treating me like a potion.**

Guardian: You shall not pass. (The Lord of the Rings reference)

Sandworm type: Giant Mutant Penis, attacks by vomiting blood, sand, vomit, dead things, etc.

There wasn´t much here but wild beast. No problem though! At least they were delicious. Uh oh, it seems this food is rather poisonous! In the following moment our heroes died of food poisoning, swine flu and dehydration.

Zombie hydra class: double boss

And what´s with that fancy car over there. *I am not a car.* Gonna have to smash up your tank bro.

After tank explosion Lance falls out of it and waves a white flag on a stick

 **THE END**


	5. Epic Battle Fantasy 3

**Epic Battle Fantasy 3**

 **Author notes:** Okay this is the first really big one. So I divided the jokes into sections.

Player 1 : Name: Matt, Class: warrior, Likes: Swords, treasure, food, heavy metal, slaying foes, power levelling, shrooms, dislikes: NPCs, long dialogue, low exp rates, lagging, tactics, Weapons: unlimited amount of swords

Player 2 : Name: Natalie, Class: magician Likes: Peace, cute things, tree hugging, healing, sweets, Dislikes: Death, evil, slimes, tentacles, **being sent to kitchen** , hamburgers, Weapons: Powerful magic and huge breasts.

Player 3: Name: Lance, Class: Gunner, Likes: Guns, rockets, explosions, tanks, machines, nukes etc., Dislikes: Politicians, evasive manoeuvres, strong armour, reload times, jokes, enemy air strikes, Weapons: See ´likes´

FOOD:

Coconut: Kills more people then sharks.

Pumpkin: Great for Halloween.

Hamburger: Boosts fatness.

Garlic: Is disgusting.

ITEMS:

RAM Chip: Something you computer really needed.

Fine Fur: Fluffy fur from some unlucky animal.

Tentacle: It´s molesting days are over.

Red potion: A bottle of...monster blood?

Diamond: The hardest metal known to man.

BESTIARY:

Garden Snail: Destroyer of your crops.

Swift Crow: An evasive bird which searches for shiny gems.

Trojan Horse: Nor really a horse at all.

Ice Bit: A Floating and annoying chunk of ice and rock.

MEDALS:

Pervert: Please don´t leave 1000 comments about this again.

Ragnarok: Rain swords from the heavens.

Fatty: Eat a hamburger.

MATT TALKS:

Matt: I just want my swords back. I spent years stealing those.

Matt (in the pub): They have beer and food! Awesome!

Matt: I´m running out of taunts...

Matt: Maybe we´ll at least find some decent creatures to eat. I concur, let´s slaughter everything that moves and get outta here.

Matt: Have fun crawling through those bushes, hehe.

Matt: I used my fapping arm for that attack!

Matt: Looks like the forest is getting thicker, guess we are in pretty deep now. Lance: We´d be a fair bit further if our animal rights activist was not trying to protect every creature and plant we see. Natalie: Nah uh I don´t mind if you kill the slimey ones. Lance: You have a slimey hearth. Natalie: uguuu...

Matt: Hope our first boss battle is EPIC.

Matt: That horse doesn´t look suspicious at all...(trojan horse reference) The horn of Gondor! It boosts their morale! (another The Lord of the Rings reference)

Matt: Machinegun nipples!

Matt: Why are the jellyfish flying? Would it have been so hard to draw some more water in the background?

Matt: that´s a fencing technique you n00b, your weapon´s made for hacking and slashing!

Matt: Wonder if they´ll notice if I borrow few things from in here. Lance: Well we´re gonna need those items to get our Treasure Hunter achievements. Natalie: You guys! Stop stealing everything!

Matt: It killed itself! That rock had so much to live for!

Matt: Well there´s a sword technique I don´t have...damn.

Matt: We can feed the game´s entire population with this!(Mammoth)

Matt using Ragnarok: Check out ma sword collection!

Matt after revive: Did I... drink too much or something?

Matt reaction to mammoth summon: Glad he´s on our team now. Still a pity we didn´t get to eat him...

Matt: Uh oh, looks like someone forgot to lock their tent again! Natalie: Will you stop stealing?! But...it´s starting to tempt me now. Matt: Give it a go. You know you want it. Natalie: Allright, just this once...

Matt using power metal: Through the fire and flames and the flames we carry on!

Matt: That´s some pretty fancy acrobatics for a turtle!

Matts reaction to Natalies death: You should have stayed in the kitchen, I guess.

Matt talking to three-headed dragon: Oh hi there, big guy. Which of you heads should we lop off first? Matt: Not so tough with one less head are you?

NATALIE TALKS:

Natalie: It probably belongs to the shopkeeper. Matt: just grab it and run!

Natalie: Watch it I got a branch in my face. Matt: Tragic.

Natalie: Sorry my skirt got caught by something. Lance: Whoops.

Natalie using heal more: I can see myself using this spell a lot in the future. I wonder why...(Maybe because It´s the most useful spell in the entire game?)

Natalie: These guys look familiar, wasn´t there once a story of four warriors who collected crystals or something like that? Matt: Uh, dunno...? (Reference to epic battle fantasy 4 plot, also a little sneak peak when ebf4 wasn´t out there)

Natalie: Oh a puzzle area. We´re too stupid to figure this out. Lance: I concur, do you concur? Matt: I concur.

Natalie: It´s way too hot here. Lance: Take your top off! Natalie: W-what!? Lance: Who said that? Wasn´t me.

Natalies reaction to beholder: Keep that thing away from me! Or all of us to be honest...

Natalie encourages the guys to go and fight and Matt reacts: I can´t believe she suddenly has more balls than us. Can´t let a girl lead the party, I´m in!

Natalie: I guess this is the part where we´ve finished everything the game has to offer, and we are given some bribes to keep playing a bit longer. Lance: Man, this game sucked. The plot hardly got anywhere. I am truly disappointed. Matt: It´s really over? I wanted to kill more stuff. Natalie: I guess so. Oh well. Thanks for playing!

LANCE TALKS:

Lance: Why is someone farming bacon out there? Matt: We might as well grab one!

Lance: My dad hit me harder than that when I was a baby.

Lance snipe: Boom! Headshot!

Lance: I don´t like swimming. Gunpowder doesn´t ignite in water. That scares me.

Lance using bullet hell: I´d like to see them get through that with one life and no bombs! (Bullet Heaven reference)

Lance to dead Natalie: You dodged that so fast I didn´t even see you move!

Lance talks about black hole and Matt asks him how he knows all of that and Lance answers: Science...fiction.

NPCs TALKS:

Mark: You´re in the town. It doesn´t have a name, cause it´s the only town in this game.

Jake: I wanna go out and look for treasure, but last time I tried I was defeated by walking bushes and huge snails. Maybe I should stick to playing video games.

Carl: I think I have drank a bit too much. Got any cure for hangovers?

Hikari: Oh hi there! Would you happen to be single? I´ve always wanted a boyfriend that looks as strong as you! Lance: Wh-what...I uhh..yes, but I uhhh... **Do you want to see my gun?!** Hikari: Oh is this your girlfriend? Why didn´t you say so right away? Natalie: I hope you´re trolling...Hikari: what´s a troll?

Billy: I am an NPC by the way, many of us have nothing to say. But some of us do! Make sure you talk to everyone, twice even. Many NPCs have more than one thing to say. You´re the main character! Without you there´d be no storyline! Matt: Wow really...?

Johnny: Me and that guy over there blow foes away with 180 decibels of pure metal. We can´t hear too well though.

 **Arthur: Lancelot took all the weapons and all I´ve got left is this shovel. My job sucks.**

Legolas: Monsters that are higher level then you evade attacks much better. I can´t hit those targets over there, because they are at much higher level than me. I...can´t hit anything...uguu...

Sarah: Legolas wants to protect the town, but it looks like his experience level is too low. Isn´t he cute? I promised him we´d get married when he defeats a Green Slime. I´m so excited.

Kana: I´m not a kid! Pffffff

Baco: Guess I´ll be farming those lands until the day I die. Oh well.

Erik: Slaying foes is key to a healthy lifestyle!

Bill: That´s an interesting device you got there, my son. Lance: I´m not your son and it´s called scouter. I stole it from a guy with a rough attitude and a tail. It seems to gauge an opponent´s power level. (Allright these are clearly references to Sonic the Hedgehog and Dragon Ball) Bill: Keep scanning those foes! Don´t scan me though.

Roberto: How long does it take for an eyeball to grow back? ... (This one is rather sad though)

Dalton: Maybe I´m getting too old for this. My son isn´t much help either, I´d be better off using him as bait.

Krystal: Hey how about it, I´ll trade my mythical ice staff for some rare stones. Why? Cause my father forges new staves from those gems!

Benny: I´m gonna freeze to death, and be used as ice cubes for soft drinks. brrr...

Mattie: Milk is my favourite drink, that´s why I hang out with the cows. Lance: Shouln´t you like... produce your own? Mattie:...?

Kimberly(nudist girl): You can stop staring at me, by the way.

Ralph: Cool, here´s some random crap I found lying on the beach...

Souru: I n-need S-starpowder. (Such addict, star dust is slang for Phencyclidine or Cocaine) Y-yes, t-that´s it.

No 42 (robot): 404 AI BOOTSTRAPER FILE NOT FOUND. SHUTTING DOWN. I AM ERROR.

Elmo: Woah, gratz on making it this far, man I wish I had some useful advice or something to give you, but I don´t, so good luck. You are our only hope, or something like that.

AND THE REST:

Sign: Anyone leaving past the town walls does so at their own risk, and will not be covered by holiday insurance.

The party is roasting slimes on the fire and eating them, also trying out some mushrooms. Then they vomit and pass out. Kinda like alcohol.

The squid trying to strip Natalies swimming bra.

Lance jumps over the chasm, Matt grabs Natalie and tries to jump over it as well, but falls down.

Beholder rapes Matt: Well that wasn´t all that pleasant. I wouldn´t recommend it. AND: **I think I just lost my rectal hymen...**

Beholder rapes Natalie: Ewwww I hope I won´t get pregnant from that...

If you complete any quest: I gave you this crap:

Protip: **Hit the enemies until they die.**

That´s all folks! Game over (Looney Tunes reference)

 **THE END**


	6. Epic Battle Fantasy 4

**Epic Battle Fantasy 4**

The players:

ANNA (NATURE GIRL)

MATT (MEAT SHIELD)

NATALIE (HOT CHICK)

LANCE (GUN FREAK)

MEDALS:

Monster Hunter: Defeat 100 foes in total, and develop a taste for their flesh.

Extinction Event: Defeat 1000 foes in total, and become a serious threat to the ecosystem.

Overkill: Completely obliterate a feeble enemy. The cute ones deserve it.

Panty Thief: Steal some underwear. Perverts pay good money for stuff like this.

Overpriced Snacks: Destroy the economy by buying rare food.

Treasure Collector: Collect 222 treasure chests. That´s more chests than original pok*mon!

NPC Helper: Complete 10 quests for NPCs. They can´t do anything by themselves.

NPC Servant: Complete 20 quests for NPCs. Saving the world can wait.

NPC Slave: Complete 30 quests for NPCs. They own you now.

Pervert: Please don´t leave 100,000 comments about this. Seriously. (This one refers to previous game as well increasing the popularity of the series.)

I See Dead People: Enter Graybone Graveyard for the first time. (The Sixth Sense quote)

Level 40: Reach level 40. Well, if you don´t have anything better to do, you might as well go even further.

ITEMS:

Brick: put them together and build a house or something.

 **Red Feather: Collect a bunch of these and you can build a bird, maybe.**

Bio Virus: Probably not a good idea to keep this in your pocket.

BESTIARY:

Tanuki Dog: This dog is an alcoholic.

Wooly Mammoth: Last of its species, because it tastes delicious.

1st Godcat has 0% chance to drop: Lance of creation- may cast genesis with certain skills and 2nd Godcat has 0% chance to drop: Blade of destruction- may cast supernova with certain skills. (It would be too op to have these weapons. It´s just an Easter egg.)

ANNA TALKS:

Anna talking to Matt: By the way, you´re really strong for surviving an arrow to the head. I´m impressed. Most people would die from that. (Unless you don´t have a brain? Nah, that´s impossible.)

Anna: Do your huge breasts cushion the impact of enemy attacks, or are they just for show?! Natalie: W-what!? Um, not really...and it's not like I have a choice. That´s just the way they are. Anna: Well, what do you eat to get them so big then? Hamburgers?! Chocolate?! Natalie: I don´t think it´s that simple... Lance: I think we should test these theories. You know...for science! I´ll watch and take photos- er notes. Natalie: **Listen Anna, we don´t bring attention to my breasts ever. It makes the men more retarded than usual, and that´s not good. Got it?** Anna: Fiiiine. ( I was gonna ask to touch them. But I guess I won´t now.) Matt: (I´m just going to pretend I missed all of that. Yup, that´s what I´ll do.)

Beholder rapes Anna: That tickled.

MATT TALKS:

Matt: It´s a bacon! My favourite animal! (Because it´s delicious.)

Matt: Earth attacks are mighty strong against, er...foes that are close to the ground, I guess.

Matt: My love for swords has given me the ability to create them from thin air!

Matt: Anna spared my life, because I´m such an awesome guy.

Matt: Debuffs be gone!

Matt: A giant floating eye! I think it´s weak spot must be...the eye! You´re welcome for the tip.

Matt: I hate those fuc*ing puzzles! (Ok this one is not in the game but it kinda express his additude.)

Matt with puzzle: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1 GODCATDAMMIT! WHY!? I´D RATHER DIE THAN DO THIS CRUD! *bawls his eyes out like a 5 year old* Put me out of my misery...please...*sniff*

Matt: This golem´s a gold mine of natural resources! I should´ve brought a pickaxe instead of sword!

Matt: A flying, glowing cat thing?! What is this sorcery?!

Matt: I had a pet once that looked like one of these. He was really helpful until I had to eat him.

Matt: Awesome free samples! (I think.) (What a thief :)

Matt sees a snowman of black mage from final fantasy: I think I remember this guy from a series of games I used to play a long time ago.

Beholder rapes Matt: That was a bit rough for a massage.

Matt: I think Natalie would hate you less if you stopped staring at her non-stop. Lance: I´ve got hidden cameras on my clothes, so that I don´t even have to look in her direction.

Matt: I wonder how many channels those dishes can pick up? (A pile of satellites)

Matt sees a pool of toxic waste: We should dump it into the ocean. No one likes seagulls anyway. (Bullet heaven 2 reference)

Matt: Suicide slimes! I wouldn´t want to live either, if I were a slime...

Matt: Hmm, that squid came out of a pool of sludge. To eat, or not to eat...? (Hamlet reference)

Matt talking to Jack: Giant fruit doesn´t scare me! I´ll put you in ma belly!

Anna walks on water lily and Matt carries Natalie in water: I don´t think that this distribution of resources is very fair. I think we should each get half a shoe. Natalie: Yea, don´t you dare drop me!

Matt: Hey Lance, remember in the last game when we did mushrooms? Lance: We ATE mushrooms? They were supposed to be edible. I´m not a junky. Natalie: I´m not healing you guys if you ever try eating anything weird again. You two deserve to get food poisoning. Lance: Ehhh, you tried some too! I remember you hallucinated and thinking you were a cupboard. Natalie: That...never happened! (I was just really hungry.)

Matt: Our adventure is nearing its climax! I´m excited!

Matt: A swordsman always has an ultimate multi-slash attack. That´s me. I´m not going to be original here.

Matt sees beholder: **I´ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going!**

Matt using Ragnarok: Check out ma sword collection! All unique. All stolen.

Matt: (I´ll finally be able to craft a diamond sword!), (You are my one true love... Diamonds!) (Minecraft reference)

Matt: Sometimes I want to punch myself in the face to fill up my Limit Bar faster. But that´s probably not a good idea.

NATALIE TALKS:

Natalie using heal more: I´m pretty sure that´s going to be the most useful spell in the game.

Beholder rapes Natalie: Ewwwwwwwwww I hope I won´t get pregnant from that again. ;_;

Natalie beholder summon: I really don´t feel comfortable with that thing around, even if it´s supposed to be on our side now.

Natalie: So which way now? Matt: I agree let´s go! Natalie: That was a questi...Nevermind.

Natalie: Those flowers smell terribly! Anna: Is it weird I like that smell? Natalie: No offense, but you live in a tree. Matt: low punch! Catfight! Anna: Well at least I don´t need huge chest to get friends. Matt: Another low punch! Catfight! Catfight!

Natalie: Hey, stop undressing me in your head! Lance: You can read minds!?

After murdering cat thieves Natalie: Don´t look NoLegs. Lance: well that was a fun massacre! I always knew cats were evil! It´s shame so many got away.

Natalie: I broke my fingernail!

Natalie uses Kyun: I´m not smiling on the inside, by the way. That was humiliating.

LANCE TALKS:

Lance: Don´t push your luck foe, you´re next!

Lance Double shot: I´ll stab you...with bullets.

Lance Snipe: BOOM! Headshot!

Lance Uload: pew pew pew.

Lance Bullet hell: I´d like to see them dodge that.

Lance: Don´t the people of Whitefall have better things to do than build snow creatures everywhere?

Lance: Those eyes peer directly into my dark soul.

Lance: I will try to reprogram Pretorian to work for us. Anna: You can do it? Lance: Of course I can, I´m a pro hacker! (All I have to do is press reset button!)

Beholder rapes Lance: Well that was more than a little awkward.

The guys scare Natalie and Lance: You could even get grabbed by some tentacles and- -

Lance: Maybe all of reality is just a computer program! Matt: That´s deep, man. (Matrix or maybe they are just game characters)

Lance: **Girls have slapped me harder than that!**

NPCs TALKS:

Holly: Easy mode is a joke though. You should be ashamed of yourself if you play on that.

Sarah: I finally dumped my loser boyfriend btw! After training for two years, he still couldn´t defeat a slime. (EBF3 Legolas reference)

Aya: I think you should leave the treasure to me, yeah? Matt: Fat chance, lady.

Clink: Congratulations on solving the puzzle! You´re officially my new hero!

Hikari: Lance! My long lost love! I´ve finally found you. 3 Lance: What are you doing here?! Don´t jump between games like that! Hikari: I got kicked out of school for being too friendly with the guys, so I had to move to Whitefall. How have you been? Lance: You know, the usual...been shooting stuff, killing things, upsetting people... Hikari: That´s nice! Wanna go out fo- - Natalie: We have to go now. Goodbye.

Laura( **zombie** ): Rawr!? Matt: **Watch out! It´s a feminist!**

Ryan(activist): We are occupying this area until our demands are met. Lance: The only thing you are demanding is some pepper spray!

Adam: I ´ve been stationed here to protect the internet. It´s in that box behind me, don´t touch it! Lance: That isn´t the internet at all! Adam: Haha I was joking. That´s actually just a box. But as long my supervisor doesn´t find out, I won´t have to do any work. (IT Crowd reference)

Bill with a freaky moustache: *ahem* I´m looking for some women´s underwear. I won´t say any more than that. Ah, these smell nice! Thank you, kind sir. I don´t believe we´ve met. *wink*

Shay: Did you know that using magic increases your chances of getting cancer?! The high court of magic recommends that all adventures use magic no more than once a week. Natalie: Isn´t that just a scam to sell more healing items? You can´t fool me! Shay: It´s also been proven that using magic lowers your sperm count. Natalie: I´m willing to take that risk.

Pam gives you cloudburst: It´s not very useful spell, to be honest.

Victoria (nudist girl): Stop looking at me! I´ll sue for sexual harassment! Stop objectifying women, you male chauvinist pig! Lance: What the hell did I do?! Stop yelling at me!

Arthur: I finally got promoted to royal knight, and have been given real equipment. But to be honest, I´m getting a bit tired of the work. It´s exhausting and chivalry is dead anyway. Natalie: Oh, your name was Arthur wasn´t it? I remember you from the previous game, how are the other knights doing? Arthur: They all died in a freak windmill accident. It turns out they were playing on hardcore mode.

OTHERS:

Sign with: DO NOT STEAL.

Sign with: DROWNING IS FORBIDDEN.

Sign with: DO NOT HARRAS THE BACONS The bacon is a very noble creature and deserves respect.

Sign with: NO DIVING Goldenbrick Insurance will not cover acts of stupidity.

Sign with: **NO DEFECATING IN THE RIVER Do not drink from it either.**

Sign with: WEAPON SHOP We sell high-end weapons and armour from all over the world. **This sign is not here for testing your new weapons. Please don´t do that.**

Sign with: PLEASE DO NOT: 1) Swim in the sewage. 2) Eat the mushrooms. 3) Hug the trees. 4) Drop litter.

Grave: Here lies Link. (Legend of Zelda reference)

Grave: Here lies Marcus Haggis, who suffered heart attack after a severe potion overdose. "One more for the road"- Last words

Grave: Son G*ku lies here. "His body couldn´t take it." (Dragon ball and previous game reference)

Creeper(minecraft) snowman in the village

After completing the game, Matt: I think it had a good end. Lance: I think it could have used some more work. I found characters in the story undeveloped and difficult to relate to. I´d give it 4/10 at best. (This also refers to previous game) Natalie: Some more character development would have been nice. I would have liked a decent love story. Now we may have to leave that on the fans, and I don´t really trust them. PS: check my work, I wrote one I hope decent love story. (Well yea rule34 is everywhere).

Computer error: I´m sorry. Goodbye. I see you. Help me. Error. Broken hearth.

 **THE END**


	7. Mecha Dress Up

**Mecha Dress Up**

The hearth inside the mecha

USB port to your mecha

Smiling nuke on the mechas back

And all those secret medals:

Phallic gun – a gun or chainsaw out of mechas crotch

Put ya guns out – reminds me a scene from worms 2 when two worms competed about who has more nukes in one.

Recycle – mecha paper box and signs of peace, recycle, triforce, mario mashroom, mecha, PS4, 1337, fragile, ebay, up arrow, hearth, apple, smily face, nazi, lightning, sword, skull, drill...allright these are not funny anymore

Legenary – hats game (tf2)

To smithereens- nuke your mecha

 **THE END**


End file.
